Do Yourself a Favor: Cut the Criticism
In my 20 years in the mental health field, I repeatedly see parents desperately trying to parent kids by machete-criticism tactics: Often this tactic falls abysmally short, producing either a very hostile child or a very insecure one, at best.
I worked with a mom who had systematically killed the spirit of her 14-year-old child by frequent harangues of criticism. She rarely ever found anything positive to say about her daughter. Her daughter stated, “I could never do anything right,” so she just “gave up” and did everything bad she could think of, including flunking school, abusing drugs and having sex with multiple partners. When this mother was queried as to what she was thinking by being so critical toward her daughter, she stated she was simply trying to guide her. “How will she know what to do, if I don’t correct her?” she asked.
If I could be a fly on the wall in this family’s home, I imagine I would hear this mother criticizing how the girl eats, how she talks, dresses and does her hair and makeup, and how awful her grades are, for starters. She would perhaps humiliate her daughter in front of her daughter’s friends. Few positives would be rarely given to the daughter.
The results of such a parenting style: disaster. A child exposed to such critical onslaught will become his/her own worst critic and low self-esteem will certainly result. The child’s spirit will be crushed. However, sometimes the results don’t show up for years.
As an adult, such individuals may have obsessive-compulsive tendencies and/or be perfectionistic. Conversely, such a person may be highly insecure and underachieving, afraid to try anything new for fear of failing.
Even when the critical parent dies, the adult child’s inner voices often replay parental criticisms over and over, constantly reminding them of inadequacies or failures. Perhaps the most pathetic aspect of this criticism pattern is that it is passed on from one generation to another, like a disease of sorts.
Do yourself and your children a favor: Cut the criticism. Verbal feedback is important to all of us when learning anything new. Giving constructive feedback is very different from pure criticism. Constructive feedback acknowledges any progress made, yet includes suggestions for improvement. Bite your tongue when it comes to attacking the child’s motive or character. Reinforcement of any “babystep” efforts your child makes toward the overall objective is always imperative to a successful outcome.
Superpraise is another wonderful technique in which you praise the child for a behavior in front of significant others. This has been shown by research to have a powerful impact on shaping the desired target behavior(s)in the child. Alternately, try reinforcing a behavior that is incompatible with the child’s undesired behavior.
Another helpful idea is to turn the desired objective into a game of some type, where there are privileges or rewards for the child’s achievement of a specific target goal; make it a fun challenge. However, perhaps one of the greatest of life’s teachers is simply the consequences of mistakes or poor choices: the rusted bike left out in the rain or the poor grade from not studying.
Finally and most importantly, the most powerful impact you
can have on your child (or anyone for that matter) is your own behavioral
example. Your behavior speaks volumes to your children in the way of a role
model example; nothing you say can surpass this message. The common example
is a parent who gets annoyed at the children for sibling fighting or
fussing, yet who has frequent spousal fights within earshot of the kids,
yelling, cursing, slamming doors, etc. (The parent’s behaviors speak so
loudly, the children can’t hear what the parent says about not fighting with
brother or sis.)
Your reward will be a much healthier child with a good self-esteem and a
brighter future, filled with higher achievements. Of course, you will also
be much happier personally and more at peace within both your own skin and
the family unit, as well. Moreover, any possible cycle of transgenerational
criticism will also be broken and hopefully ended as well.