How to heal a relationship after an affair
“We never make love any more”… “I just wanted someone who would listen to me and try to understand me”… “Our marriage had become sooo stale and boring”… “I fell out of love with him/her”…
There are many reasons people start an affair.
Affairs begin due to a general erosion of physical or emotional ties in a marriage for one or both marital partners. More men tend to have affairs for physical contact, while more women seek emotional satisfaction. But most people include a combination of seeking better sex and emotional intimacy as reasons given for their infidelity.
Interestingly, men feel more betrayed by their wives having sex with another, while women feel more betrayed by their husbands being emotionally involved with another. Both men and women report being able to handle news that their spouse had a one-night fling with someone better than finding out about a long-term, torrid love affair (a longer term affair obviously signifying a deeper level of emotional involvement). Despite all these sex-related facts, an affair is really not so much about sex per se, rather it is about the violation of trust in a committed relationship.
Three basic elements make up the sine qua non of an
affair. First is the element of secrecy of the relationship. For example, if
the couple secretly communicates over the Internet or meets for lunch, such
a couple would be having a secret emotional affair. Their respective
partners would certainly not be happy about this arrangement, and would each
feel betrayed or deceived to some degree. Emotional intimacy between the
pair is the second ingredient. The typical scenario is where someone
confides about marital problems to another person. Eventually these two
become more intimate than they are in their respective marital
relationships, eroding the should-be marital intimacy of the respective
original coupleships. Third, a sexual attraction exists, even if the two
people do not physically touch. One person expresses sexual attraction to
the other, therein creating a sexual tension and private fantasy shared by
the two. Often, after repeatedly refusing the physical attraction, the
couple eventually succumbs and has sexual relations.
The affair is eventually usually discovered by one of the marital partners.
The question is then asked: is there hope for reconciliation? The answer
depends on the particular couple, how many affairs, and how long the affair
– usually whether the couple gets counseling. There is always a lot of anger
and outrage in a coupleship after an affair. The victimized partner usually
directs anger/blame more at the affair partner as compared with their own
marital partner. “It is her fault because she seduced my husband.”; “It is
his fault because he made out with my wife.” Yet, it always takes two to
tango, so to speak; both affair partners have complicity. Moreover, the
offended partner wants to know all the gory details about the affair
partner, such as “What made you want her/him more than me?” or “Why was sex
better with him/her?” This process of drilling the unfaithful partner on the
affair details is caused by the fact that the victimized partner has
experienced a type of trauma, and is tying to understand and master it by
talking about it, asking questions, and reviewing the details repeatedly.
Being asked a million and one questions generally results with frustration
for the cheating spouse - but not as much as that experience by the
victimized spouse, given the situation.
If the marriage is to regroup and ultimately survive, there are several aspects of recovery for each spouse. First, the unfaithful partner must identify with his/her spouse’s pain and feelings of betrayal. Secondly, s/he must also identify the reasons the affair occurred in the first place (i.e., the vulnerabilities of the relationship as well as personal weaknesses). Thirdly, s/he must accept responsibility for the unfaithfulness and the impact the affair had on the marital relationship. Lastly, each must work to rebuild the relationship. Trust in the marital relationship is the primary foundation for a renovated relationship.
Interestingly, the cheating spouse is usually ready to
work on mending the marital relationship long before the victimized spouse
is ready. The victimized spouse generally has much more trauma to work
through than the cheating spouse. The victimized spouse must go through
grief stages regarding violation of marital vows by the cheating partner.
These stages include: shock, denial, anger, depression, and eventually
acceptance or integration of the deed.
Rebuilding the trust and relationship structure is a gradual, step-by-step
process. Both partners must work together to tear down the walls of hurt,
anger, rejection, distrust, and betrayal. Forgiveness is a crucial task of
the healing process for both partners. Therapy is generally recommended to
help guide the healing process along. There is a lot to be learned from an
affair regarding how to change the marital relationship to make it airtight.
Marriages can indeed become stronger as a result of an affair if both
spouses work to make this happen. Generally, work on marital communication,
intimacy, romance, and quality time are good places to start. The defined
problem areas in a marriage simply reflect a skill and/or knowledge
deficiency, either related to the marital relationship or a spouse’s
personal skill sets.
Boundaries are an important issue for the couple to address as well. Each spouse must learn to give and take in the marital relationship. Giving to the relationship without getting anything in return must stop, as this builds resentment. There must be an agreed-upon definition of what behavior is acceptable versus unacceptable in the coupleship. Moreover, an avenue for recognizing whether the unfaithful partner is possibly being unfaithful again needs to be established. For example, the couple might agree that either spouse can hire a private investigator to have the other scoped out, if suspicion warrants.
Many people go from one marriage to the next looking for the perfect relationship, wanting relationship nirvana, NOW! If the couple chooses to simply get divorced to resolve the marital problems (as opposed to working on them in therapy), each spouse will be doomed to replay the problem(s) in any new relationships. Any marital impasse represents a big chug hole in the road of intimate relationships that must be patched up in order for the marriage (or any possible future intimate relationships) to forage a successful pathway. A marriage cannot be healthier than its parts. Ultimately, these individuals end up replaying their first marital problems over and over again, same song, second verse. Taking (making) the time and energy to work out answers to marital problems is just prudent any way you slice it. We get out of things results comensurate with what we put into them.